Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Hell (Hades)
Hell (also known as Hades and Aitch Ee Double Tooth Picks) is a place of eternal damnation in the Underworld. It is (for many travelers) the ultimate destination. Hell is popular with travelers rich and poor alike, at all times of year. The good news is that going to Hell requires little planning, but it's not for everyone.
Understand
History
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Hell was created shortly after God created the Heavens and the Earth, serving as a place to banish the angel Lucifer when he rebelled against the Creator. Though an armistice was signed, Hell has nevertheless remained in a state of war with Heaven, from which it is separated by a De-Militarized Zone.
Politics
Hell has one political party: the National Socialist Party, though a top-level leadership position is being reserved for the guy who invented the half-hour "infomercial". Hell has been on the U.S. State Department's list of State Sponsors of Terrorism since last Tuesday. However, it's been on God's list since the Abel Incident.
Hell is not a member state of the UN, partially due to protest from the Vatican.
Landscape
It's a pit. A really deep pit, made up of nine concentric circles going all the way down to the center.
Flora and fauna
Although the vegetation is sparse in most parts of Hell, the Forest of Suicides in the Seventh Circle is a spectacular - albeit disturbing - sight, which has become a popular settlement area of late.
Three-headed hounds roam the muddy regions of the Third Circle.
Climate
Reports vary on the climate of Hell. Reputable Middle-Ages travelogue writer Dante Alighieri described it as dark and cold, and indescribably frigid at its center. However more recent descriptions suggest very high temperatures, with a snowball having little chance of surviving. Sounds like global warming has already affected the tourism appeal of this destination. One notable exception to this longstanding heat wave was a brief period on October 27, 2004 when Hell in fact froze over. Experts are still debating the nature of this cold snap, though anecdotal evidence suggests that it may have been caused by the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series.
Culture
A widely used greeting is "Hell-o", and visitors are expected to learn the word (they usually do) before they go to Hell.
Prepare
Bring a copy of Wikivoyage's guide on hot weather, printed on a non-flammable substrate — preferably asbestos.
Choose your wardrobe carefully; temperatures in Hell tend to be extreme, especially in high season.
Get in
Visas are available from many major religions, with the criteria varying depending on denomination. Some require a deliberate rejection of God and subsequent evil deeds, but others require only indifference, or even just a failure to faithfully execute a complex set of rites.
By boat
A small ferry crosses the River Styx as needed. Charon, the ferryman, is not a pleasant fellow, but is mostly harmless. The fare is one silver obolus (1/6 of a pre-Euro Greek drachma). When Charon is in a good mood (which is pretty much never) you can pay in other currencies: US$0.25, Can$37.43, or €0.02. Today Charon is not in a good mood. Find that obolus!
By handbasket
The easiest - and oftentimes the quickest - way to get to Hell is in a handbasket. And if you do, a nice way to not have to worry about the giant handbasket you will need to figure out how to park is to go in a bamboo one that will neatly burn up on your arrival. Get out quick!!
By car
Hell has an excellent highway system. (There are no stop signs or speed limits) Take the Road of Good Intentions to the Exit of Inaction.
Visitors from Sodom are advised to take the Highway to Hell, a modern expressway which bypasses Route 666, the road to ruin through downtown Gomorrah.
The road to Hell is wide and there are many who travel it.
By motorcycle
- Ask any Hells Angels gang, they'll tell you where to go. Raise a little Hell of your own.
By plane
Hell is a major airline hub for all budget carriers.
- Ryanair offer connections to Hell via The Moon St Hairy Camel Int'l Airport.
- JetBlue offers regular one way economy-only flights to hell, albeit with a lengthy waiting period.
- Bat Out of Hell is rapid and inexpensive, but the in-flight caterers only serve up leftover meat loaf. Two out of three ain't bad.
By train
Trenitalia is currently the most popular national railway system to offer direct services to Hell. While fares are often quite low, you will have to make a brief connection in Purgatory before boarding one of the hourly Intercity services to Porto Inferno Centrale. Note: these trains offer second class compartments only. Do not try to board the trains bound for "Glory" with your ticket to Hell; violators will be persecuted.
Hell's transportation authority has partnered with the US to provide train service to and from Hell. From the west coast, Amtrak offers the Coast Hotlights, Operating from King Street Station in Seattle to Hell via Los Angeles and Limbo. In the east coast, Ahela operates high speed service from Washington, DC to Hell via Boston, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York.
From Montréal, ask for the train d'enfer. It runs at a hellishly rapid pace. Just beware of vendors offering transport to Hull, a bitterly cold place.
Please note that Roman Catholic citizens are now forbidden to board any Coast Hotlights train traveling via Limbo. Night and early morning trains which skip the Limbo Station are available. In addition, passengers on the Ahela are advised that NDE's are normal.
If you are in Baden-Württemberg, you can take the Höllentalbahn ("Hell Valley Railway") from Freiburg or Donaueschingen, but be sure not to alight at Himmelreich Station which would take you to the exact opposite of the place you want to visit. Note that Baden-Württemberg has long-standing relations to Hell, and the Devil (German: "Teufel") even was Prime Minister of this state - in fact running on a ticket of the Christian Democrats.
Get around
You should definitely hire a guide; the Roman poet Virgil comes highly recommended because he can bring you back out on short notice.
Car rental is also widely available, mostly from car rental giant Hertz. Keep in mind that gas stations are scarce in hell. The only gas station you can find here is the state-owned Station Hell (widely known as S-Hell).
Hell's transportation authority operates a steel jail-like elevator, providing access to every level of the 9 circles in Hell.
See
- The Gates of Hell (Limbo, outside the First Circle) are a sight not to be missed. Be sure to get snapshot of your travel companions walking past the inscription "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here".
- Phlegethon (Seventh Circle, outer ring) is the river of boiling blood, where violent sinners can be spotted, often gurgling under the surface. Fishing is not recommended.
- Lake Cocytus (Ninth Circle, innermost reaches) is the pristine lake of ice where you can find Satan himself, chewing in his three mouths for all eternity the tortured souls of Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. The skate rental can be found on the eastern shore of the lake, next to the small passage leading to the other side of the planet (near Paradisio). Keep in mind that ice frequently cracks, moves, and sinks for no reason whatsoever.
- Hells Bells, recently purchased from the Young Brothers of Australia, is clearly a majestic work of art. Fashioned by late 20th century artists, it has the appeal of Dark Ages Europe, when bubonic plague ruled the earth.
A temporary location for Hells Bells is the Temple of Syrinx, until a permanent structure can be built.
Do
Thou shalt:
- Worship other Gods.
- Take the Lord's name in vain.
- Violate the Sabbath.
- Dishonor your parents.
- Kill.
- Commit adultery.
- Steal.
- Bear false witness.
- Covet your neighbor's wife.
- Covet your neighbor's ass.
- Covet your neighbor's wife's ass.
Also to be noted, a great thing to take part in is the daily sadomasochism. Incorporating all of the famous things like whips and chains, and introducing new techniques such as the guillotine and burning the nether regions (quite the attraction in the Third Circle). No flash photography please, as cameras melt.
After significant protest from residents of Hell, the government has outlawed the use of the T-Mobile Sidekick. Violators will have their phone book and contents of phone posted on the internet, then prosecuted.
Make sure to see one of the daily Michael Bolton concerts.
Beach bums will enjoy our lake of burning sulphur, strategically located steps away from Darvaza. An excellent and unequalled place to work on a tan but be wary, you will burn very quickly while out enjoying the luxurious sandy beaches.
Buy
Shopping centers of every kind are abundant in Hell, and everything is always on sale at huge discounts. However, the only payment accepted is credit cards, and yours has gone over its credit limit.
Hell's charming central business district, Centralia, is built on a bed of flaming coal; ground temperatures routinely reach 900°F and the nightlife becomes hotter still as one approaches the core of the inferno. Why not bring back a few choice souvenir lumps of burning coal as holiday stocking stuffers for your little whiny ill-behaved hellions?
Eat
Eat nothing. Once you eat the food of the underworld, there's no leaving. Just ask the goddess Persephone, who was abducted by Hades and tricked into eating pomegranate seeds, so she had to become his queen.
Still many dine in Hell. Most noticeably Spartans, all 300 of them.
There are many theories as to why those who "dine in hell" are trapped there forever. One of these theories is that the food is so good the people just keep coming back for more. However, this was widely discredited by Persephone. "Those seeds were nasty!!" she said. "I think they were rotten, and they tasted sort of burned."
For obvious reasons, fire grilled is the preferred method of cooking in Hell for residents and travelers alike. Common ingredients include hot pepper, kimchi, gun powder, nitro, C4, and often pure fire.
Drink
- The waters of the River Lethe are popular for the forgetfulness they induce. They can erase undeveloped photographic film, so be careful.
- Beer is available, but unfortunately a few cases of 7-11, discovered in a warehouse last year, is the only option.
Sleep
There is no sleep for the wicked, except in Sihanoukville.
Staying the night with your inlaws from Hell is an option; just tell them you were going through Hell and happened to drop in. There is also a budget hotel in Hell downtown, called Hotel California. Here, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
Stay safe
- See also: Arid region safety
- Holy water will protect you from most threats in Hell. But be sure your holy water is authentic. You can import pope-certified holy water directly from the Vatican in case you don't trust your local parish.
- There's a distinct lack of fire extinguishers; fire-proof clothing is essential. Be sure to bring extra clothes, as clothing is often melted or burned away (residents refer to this as "wear and tear".
- Durex might help. If it fails, you might need to visit Whadda Hell Clinic to get the Morning After Pill.
- When at the Meyer Centre in the Brisbane district, don't eat at the lower food court or go to Tops, especially on Saturdays. You are liable to be gassed, have your drinks and foodstuffs spiked. Visitors are warned to watch their food and drinks at all times; it's not just enough to be sitting next to them. Also, keep an eye out for strange people, you might be personally violated. I was gassed not one but THREE TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Caution: May freeze over if the Cubs win the world series, Lions win the Super Bowl, the Leafs win the Cup, or that hot cheerleader that says "Hell Will freeze over before I sleep with you" decides to sleep with you. Note: This is closely related to pigs flying. Some things happen when it is a cold day in hell, which occurs more frequently than a complete "freeze over". Just be aware that a lot of very strange things happen when the temperature takes a dip.
- Avoid the police. It's not they are corrupt or anything, it's just they tend to believe that most tourists are spies sent from Heaven who should be hanged.
Connect
- The incumbent local exchange carrier is the Hell's Bell Telephone Company. Any attempt to reach a live operator will take an eternity.
- The (toll-free) number of the Beast is 800-666-HATE, or T Mobile subscribers can dial *666 from their cell phones
- There have been many recent incidents involving an angry mob beating up people on cell phones, most notably one in a grey jumpsuit and horn rimmed glasses. For safety, Hell recommends that you do not say the following phrase when inside city limit: Can You Hear Me Now?
- Internet access is occasionally available, but the service is wireless only, costs a fortune, is operated by AOL, and it's regulated by the Chinese. You will need an AC-DC laptop to connect to the Hell's Bell network via wi-fi hotspots sporadically appearing on the Highway to Hell.
- Postal services are infamously worse than that of the USPS.
- All outward correspondence should be routed through Poste Italiane, as their secondary headquarters can be found in Dis
Go next
Although visitors to this popular destination almost always stay here for all eternity, Dante once journeyed from here to Purgatory (then onward to Heaven). Best of luck!
A certain woman seems to be buying property at an alarming rate in a little-known sector of the Fourth Circle. She claims to be buying a "Stairway to Heaven" (See Image). However, she may extract a heavy toll for use of this route, as she is known for her greed. Such a stairway's exact whereabouts are unknown, though you may do well to trust the feeling you get when you look to the west.
Additionally, there are rumors of a bus stop which offers "round trips for some, but not for others..." out of Hell to points unknown.