Wikivoyage:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense/Mars

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Mars is the featured destination for 1 April 2018; see Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Mars.
Capital Olympus Mons
Currency Mars Bars
Population 2.4bn (July 2108 est.)
Electricity Sonicboom
Country code 1-800-ALIEN-CALL ext.1231 and country code
Time zone from -12:30 to 12:30

Mars [1] is the fourth planet from the sun, and is significantly colder and smaller than Earth.


A man in a space suit on Mars
This guy has the right idea!

Foreigners (meaning Earthlings) should be aware that the gravity is much lower on Mars. Mars, being a planet, is huge, and it is unrealistic to expect to see all of Mars in a short period of time, although it is possible to view half of Mars through a telescope. Generally, areas along the equator are the most hospitable to Earthlings (at about -15 degrees Celsius) as it is much warmer than the rest of Mars (the poles are colder than Yakutsk).

The Mars equatorial regions are the warmest part of the planet, as well as the most densely populated part of the planet. Most of the northern half of the planet is covered in ocean, and the southern part of the planet is almost entirely above sea level (except for the large Hellas sea and Argyre sea. Many places in the south part of the planet are uninhabitable.

The amount of gravity on Mars is significantly lower than Earths. Cities on Mars are built around this fact. unlike Earth, "bounding" is a common way of locomoting, and is very efficient. Inside most structures on Mars, gravity is artificially created for many reasons, mainly to keep muscles from atrophying and also to keep things tidy. Gyms are very important on Mars, as exercise is required in order to stay healthy with the low gravity. Gyms are a very popular spot for recreation.

Get in[edit]


All foreigners are required to obtain a visa before entering Mars, at the embassy of Mars in Antarctica. Be sure to make a personal trip to the embassy, or else your application will be rejected. If you arrive without a visa, be prepared for the Martian customs to fling you out into deep space. It will be very sad indeed.

Travel Warning WARNING: There are many things that you cannot bring into Mars, for the customs are even stricter than those in Australia and New Zealand, and even Singapore, in order to protect the fragile eco-diversity of Mars. No fresh foods, pets, rotten foods, wooden, plastic, metals, oil-based, starch-based, cotton, polyester and China-made products are allowed beyond the customs. If any of the products are found, the death penalty is mandatory and you will be killed by Electric Chair in front of the entire planet on Martian global TV, MTV1 (similar to Earth's CNN).
Travel Warning WARNING: Check the season before going because winter lasts 8 Earth months with temp. of -500, so I recommend summer.

By Space[edit]

Mars' primary gateway is the Mount Olympus International Spaceport (which will be larger than the one planned in Dubai) in the city of Xanthe. (MARS IATA). It is one of the worst spaceports in the universe, with many earthlings wondering why there are restrooms for 3 different genders.

Access to Mount Olympus International Spaceport is only by space travel, which takes several months from Earth. Be prepared for a very long flight, although most shuttle services are actually quite comfortable, and you can float yourself in the spacecraft all the way like all NASA people do on television. Great for kids. Several airlines or 'spacelines' are able to take you all the way to Mars:

  • NASA [2] operates flights once every 3 earth years. However, it has a very poor safety record (it is not allowed to enter the EU) with almost half of all spaceships ending up in flames.
  • Russian Federal Space Agency [3], one of the 'babyflots' founded as the Soviet Space Program dissolved together with USSR under Gorbachev. Its base is now in neighbouring Kazakhstan. They probably won't be operating any flights soon.
  • China National Space Administration [4], providing very cheap flights to Mars based primarily on cheap labour. However, since the spacecraft is a China-made product, it is not allowed to land on Mars, and all passengers have to parachute down through the atmosphere.

By Teleportation[edit]

You can teleport to Mars straight away. However, the wormhole to Mars is presently (I think, for it's the CIA's secret) in Baghdad, Iraq, so probably that's why the Americans attacked - to control Mars!

Get around[edit]

"Bounding" is a common way of locomating outside of structures, and many Earthlings are suprised how fast and smoothely they can actually move. Remember to be careful not to bump into other "bounders," as this is rude and can cause injury. Large cities have excellent public transportation services, such as subways, monorails, and buses.

On the other hand, Mars boasts a very poor sector in aviation. Popular airlines include Mars Airlines, and flights from Xanthe to Nepenthes depart daily. Note that Mars Airlines has an even worse passenger record than Biman Bangladesh Airlines, for flights can be delayed up to 1 year, then forgotten about entirely. Then you will realise that you are scammed and your $15,000 is gone and you are left with many poor passengers who are trapped in the transit area. Realise that your money could have been better spent on a bribe to one of the officers to allow you for a hop in one of the chartered planes. NOTE: Wikivoyage does not condone bribery.

Travel Warning WARNING: When not living in area with lots of Earthlings, please wear mascot all the time in the public to look like a Martian or you will be slapped by the Martians, and will followed by a forever crowd for being an alien.


  • Xanthe - By far the largest city of Mars, Xanthe (named for the region it is located) is in the nation Meridani, which was under Chinese rule until 2112. Xanthe is a very cosmopolitan city, and attracts the greatest number of tourists to Mars every year. The official language of Xanthe (and all of Meridani) is Chinese, although many other languages, especially English, are spoken due to the diversity of the city. Located on the Martian equator, the weather in Xanthe is very pleasant most of the time.
  • Nepenthes - Another popular tourist attraction on Mars. Nepenthes is famous for its nightlife and beach lifestyle. Located in the nation Elysium (which gained independence from United States of Europe in 2098), Nepenthes has mild weather. The languages spoken in Elysium are mainly English and Italian.
  • Hebes - The most populous of the Tempe nation (formerly American Republic of Temple), Hebes lays directly across the famous Valles Marineris from Xanthe. English is the most common language, as Tempe used to be under American rule. Hebes is renowned for its extremely "futuristic" city planning, including monorails and multiple city layers. Xanthe and Hebes, although of different Martian nations, are often called "the Twin Jewels of Mars" because of their close proximity to each other.
  • Hellespontus - The southernmost of the large Martian cosmopoli, Hellespontus may be cold for many tourists seaking a more pleasant, relaxed environment. However, the city is indeed very hospitable. Often called "the Amsterdam of Mars" for its extremely liberal drug and prostitution laws, Hellespontus attracts many visitors looking for a more "adventurous" vacation. Hellespontus is located in the nation Noachis, which was a Russian territory until 2090. It is a coastal city, located on the Hellas sea (the largest body of water in southern Mars). Gambling is a major industry in Hellespontus, and all cities in Noachis.
  • Tharsis - Another major city in Tempe, Tharsis is a highly modern and sophisticated city located a short distance from Hebes. While often overlooked, this city provides many tourist opportunities.
  • Apollinaris - Another equatorial resort city of Elysium. Italian is the most commonly spoken language.
  • Lycus - Although not a large city, Lycus is famous for its location: the base of the famous Olympus Mons, an important Martian landmark. Located in western Tempe Many tourists from around Mars and even Earth frequent the city for its renowned skiing oppurtunities. Being relatively high north gives Lycus a colder temperature.
  • Wtzxlr - A colony of Kanxxoztwa, It was a present from the president of Nax. Now it is a popular tourist getaway for people looking for three things: Nightclubs, nightclubs, and more nightclubs!From Salsa to Xandudian Extreme Metal its the dancer's paradise. Of course, they all are 24/7 for your convenience. Wtzxlr has worked extremely hard to become a big tourist destination. It has. It has gotten big-time resorts like Mc Donalds Hotel and even the George Bush Hotel. Even the wormhole in rural Pluto to Wtzxlr are now equipped with XXXXXXXXL seats, so that even the fattiest of the fattiest of all the fatties can be comfortable. From Salsa to Xandudian Extreme Metal its the dancer's paradise. Of course, they all are 24/7 for your convenience. Regarding language, German is spoken, but with Jupiteranian, you'll be alright.

Other destinations[edit]

  • Olympus Mons - a cultural symbol of Mars. The mountain is three times higher than Mount Everest on Earth, and the size of its base is expansive. A popular tourist attraction for those visiting Tempe.
  • Valles Marineris - Before Mars was terraformed, the valley was like the Grand Canyon of Arizona on crack. After terraformation, the valley is now a body of water, with costal cities such as Xanthe , Hebes, Noctis, Ganges, and Eos. Located at the equator, the area around the Marineris sea is by far the most densly populated area of Mars.
  • Nunanarambanga - In the poles of Mars at -55555 degrees, stands Nunanarambanga, a monument to President Uaranidiot Anafreek of Marujarandanga-Jazimora, a short-lived country of 0.0001 sq. kilometers and only one day of life. Mr. Anafreek was one of the most great leaders of the world: he cried in front of the Emperor of Tempe and did a temper tantrum not standing the shrieks of him, he gave him Marujarandanga-Jazimora. He was so happy he kissed the Emperor. After the guards found him, they executed him.


Like Earth, Mars has a wide variety of languages. All languages on Mars derive from Earth languages, however, they are heavily dialectized and are sometimes hard to understand. For Universes Language Guide please click on link.


Martian cuisine is diverse and differs from nation to nation, although the taste of the cuisine is not palatable to the human tongue, such as McDonald's with mixed sparrow stew.


Efforts to find water on Mars are, for the most part, a time-consuming exercise in frustration. What little water is available is HDO, an odd hybrid between water and heavy water in which each molecule contains one hydrogen, one deuterium and one oxygen atom. The nightlife also leaves much to be desired.


Mars is bitterly cold and a wretched place to pitch a tent. Only consider sleeping on Mars if your only other option is sleeping in a youth hostile hostel or on an airline flight.

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