Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Time travel/British phrasebook

British English has shifted over the centuries, but this phrasebook with slight alteration will be applicable to the Britain from the 1860's to 1970's. Translating Chaucer might be a bit of a spot of work, chaps.

(see English language varieties for pronunciation and spelling differences between American and British English.)

Phrases

Basics

Hello.: Good Morning. (HEH-low)
Hello. (informal): Hello. (HIGH)
How are you?: How are you? (HOW ah YOO?)
Fine, thank you.: Jolly well, old chap. (FIGHN, then KYOO)
What is your name?: What is your name? (WUT iz yer NAYM?)
My name is ______ .: My name is ______ . (Migh NAYM iz _____ .)
Nice to meet you.: Nice to meet you. (NIGHSS t' meet YOO)
Please.: Please. (pleez)
Thank you.: Why, thank you. (THANK yoo)
You're welcome.: You're most welcome. (yuhr WEL-kuhm)
Yes.: Yes. (YESS)
No.: No. (NOH)
Excuse me. (getting attention): Excuse me. (ehkz-KYOOZ mee)
Excuse me. (begging pardon): Pardon me. (ehkz-KYOOZ mee)
I'm sorry.: I'm sorry. (IGHM SAW-ree)
Goodbye: Goodbye (if late) Good Night. (Forceful) Good Day, [Sir!](GUHD-bigh.)
Goodbye (informal): Bye. (BIGH)
Help!: Help! (HEHLP!)
Look out!: Look out! (look OWT!)
Good morning.: Good morning. (guhd MOAN-ing)
Good evening.: Good evening. (guhd EEV-ning)
Good night.: Good night. (guhd NIGHT)
Good night (to sleep): Good night. (good NIGHT)
I don't understand.: I am afraid I didn't get that. (IGH doan UHN-dur-STAND)
I don't think you are correct: I think you are mistaken.
Where is the toilet/john?: Where are the [gentleman's/ladies] conveniences? or Where is the loo? or Where can I spend a penny? (WAYR iz thuh TOY-leht?)
Where is the bathroom?: (assuming this is a euphemism and you don't actually intend to take a bath) Where is the loo?

Problems

Leave me alone.: Leave me alone! or Back off
Leave me alone (very strong): Sod off! (...)
Don't touch me!: Keep your hands off me! (...)
I'll call the police.: I'll summon the law!/police/constable!/Bobby! (...)
Police!: Police! (...) also Bobby!/Constable! (...)
Stop! Thief!: Stop! (Pause) Thief! (...) or "Stop that man/woman!"
I need your help.: I require your [urgent] assistance. (...)
It's an emergency.: Apologies, It's an emergency! (...)
I'm lost.: I seem to have lost my way (...)
I lost my bag.: (lost) I have misplaced my bag. (...) (stolen) My bag has been taken/snatched/stolen
I lost my purse: (lost, female) Where did I put my handbag? (stolen) My bag's been nicked!
I lost my wallet.: (lost) I have misplaced my wallet. (...) (stolen) My wallets been taken/stolen/snatched
I'm sick.: I'm sick. (...)
I've been injured.: I've suffered an injury, Can you assist me? (...)
I need a doctor.: Call for a/summon the doctor! (...)
Can I use your phone?: Do you mind if I use your phone? (...)
Fire!: Fire! (NB: This should NOT be used in a crowded venue, It would be wiser to alert the venue staff discreetly.)
This bag is not mine: This isn't my luggage.

Numbers

Broadly the same as American English, but note :

1,000,000,000: one thousand million or: one milliard
1,000,000,000,000: one billion
number _____ (train, bus, etc.): a number _____ (...)

Also note that there are 4.5 litres in an Imperial gallon.

Telephone numbers

1 plus... (toll call): 0 + number (trunk call)
011-: 00 (or pre late 90's) 010
9-1-1: 9-9-9, the national emergency number (1-1-2 is also valid in the post-EU era. In the London Director area, WHItehall 1212 rang Scotland Yard.)
PEnnsylvania 6-5000: Pardon me, but could you please ring the innkeeper?

Clock time

one o'clock AM: one AM (...)
two o'clock AM: two AM (...)
one o'clock PM: one PM (...)
two o'clock PM: two PM (...)

2·45: quarter to 3
3·50: ten [minutes] to three
3·55: five [minutes] to three
3·59: One minute to three
3·00: three [o'clock]
3·01: one minute to three; 3·05 : five [minutes] to three
3·10: ten past three
3·15: quarter past 3 or three fifteen
3·30: three thirty; half four

noon (12·00): noon (...)
midnight (24·00 or 0·00): midnight (...)

3;00 am (same day): three o'clock, this morning
3;00 pm {same day): three o'clock, this afternoon. or three o' clock today.
3: 00 am (next day) : three o'clock tomorrow morning.

(note: Approximations are common place... such as 3:20 would be "between three fifteen and three thirty" or 3:08 "between 5 and ten past three"

Transportation

Bus and train

How much is a ticket to _____?: "How much is a (single/return) for _____? (...) or "What is the fare for ...?"
One ticket to _____, please.: One (Single/return for) _____, please. (...)
Where does this train/bus go?: Where does this train/motorcoach go? (...)
Where is the train/bus to _____?: Where is the train/motorcoach for _____? (...)
Does this train/bus stop in _____?: Does this train/motorcoach stop at _____? (...)
When does the train/bus for _____ leave?: When does the train/motorcoach for _____ leave/depart? (...)
When will this train/bus arrive in _____?: When will this train/motorcoach arrive at _____? (...)

Directions

How do I get to _____ ?: How do I get to/find the ______? (...) or Where is the ______?
...the train station?: railway station? (...)
...the bus station?: ...the (motor) coach station? (...)
...the airport?: ...the airport/aerodrome/landing field? (...)
...downtown?: ...town centre? (...)
...the _____ hotel?: ...the _____ inn? (...)
... business premises of _____?: ... the offices of _____ (...)
... site/park office ____?: ... (parks, countryside) relevant estate Office .. (industrial and construction projects, and ) works office.
...the American/Canadian/Australian/British consulate?: ...the American consulate/consul? The Canadian/Australian deputy high commission? (...)
Where are there a lot of...: Where may I find a selection of ... (...)
...hotels?: ...hotels/inns? (...)
...restaurants?: ...restaurants? (...)
...bars?: ...taverns/pubs? (...)
...sites to see?: ...sites to see? (...)
Can you show me on the map?: Could you show me it on a map/plan ? (...)
street: of the street (...)
Turn left.: Turn left / Take a left (...)
Turn right.: Turn right. /Take a right (...)

Note: Both the former may amended to a named location form, "left/right at ________ " )

left: left (...)
right: right (...)
straight ahead: straight ahead/Straight on [at the _____] (...)
towards the _____: towards the _____ (...)
past the _____: past/after the _____ (...)
before the _____: before the _____ (...)
Watch for the _____.: Watch for the _____. (...)
intersection: crossroads, junction of ____ and ____ (...)
north: north (...)
south: south (...)
east: east (...)
west: west (...)
uphill: uphill (...)
downhill: downhill (...)

Notes:

In Scots speaking areas you may encounter a taboo about 'widdershins' (counter clockwise) directions.

Taxi

a taxi: a hackney carriage or cab
Taxi!: Taxi! (...)
Take me to _____, please.: Take me to _____, please. (...)
How much does it cost to get to _____?: What's the fare to _____? (...)
Take me there, please.: Take me there, please. (...)
This isn't the way to _____: This isn't the way to _____ is it?
Not so Fast: A little less rough, please.
Stop! I feel sick!: Stop the Cab! Something I had for (lunch/supper/dinner/etc..) has disagreed with me.

Lodging

Do you have any rooms available?: Do you have a room? or Is there any room at the inn? (...)
How much is a room for one person/two people?: Board for one person/two people would be? (...)
Does the room come with...: Does the room come with... (...)
...bedsheets?: ...linens? (...)
...a bathroom?: ...a bathroom? a water closet? (...)
...a telephone?: ...a telephone? (...)

May I see the room first?: May I see the room first? (...)
Do you have anything quieter?: Do you have anything away from the street/motorway? (...)
...bigger?: ...bigger? (...)
...cleaner?: ...cleaner? (...)
...cheaper?: ...for a lower budget (...)
...that isn't haunted?: ...that isn't haunted?
OK, I'll take it.: OK, I'll take it. (...)
I will stay for _____ night(s).: I will be staying/stopping for _____ night(s). (...)
Can you suggest another hotel?: Can you suggest another venue? (...)
Do you have a safe?: Do you have a safe? (...)
...lockers?: ...somewhere I could leave luggage? (...)
Is breakfast/supper included?: Are meals included? (...)
What time is breakfast/supper?: What time is breakfast/supper? (...)
Please clean my room.: My/The room is filthy. Please arrange for this to be remedied (...)
Can you wake me at _____?: Can you wake me at _____? (...)
I want to check out.: I would like to check out. (...)
They check in, but they don't check out.: A fine rubbish tip you have here, chaps.

Money

The pre-1971 British pound (￡1) consists of 20 shillings or 240 pence. One guinea is ￡1, 1s.

Do you accept American dollars?: Do you accept American dollars? (...) Will you take American dollars?
Do you take personal/travellers checks?: Will a personal cheque/draft/travellers cheque be acceptable? (In English, to "check" is to verify. In Canada, "check" is likely a hockey term, eh?)
Do you accept credit cards?: (Earlier eras) Is a letter of credit acceptable? (...)
BankAmericard (Visa): Barclaycard
MasterCharge (MasterCard): Access, EuroCard (not to be confused with EuroCheque, a cheque-cashing card or "guarantee card".)
Can you change money for me?: Can you exchange money for me? (...)
Where can I get money changed?: Where can I get money exchanged? (...)
Can you change a traveler's check for me?: Where could I get a cheque cashed? (...)
Where can I get a traveler's check changed?: Where can I get a traveller's cheque changed? (...)
What is the exchange rate?: What is the exchange rate? (...)
Where is the teller/cashier: Where can I find the teller/cashier/ (on ships) purser?
Where is an automatic teller machine (ATM)?: Where is the cashpoint? (...)
Where is someone that CAN do this?: Where is the manager? the proprietor? the landlord?

Eating

(Note: In some more expensive eateries, the menu will be in French or Italian. If the menu is in American and covered with McDrivelLand characters, choose another restaurant.)

A table for one person/two people, please.: I would like a/ or Do you have a table for one person/two people, please. (...)
I do not have a reservation: I have not booked. (...)
Can I look at the menu, please?: Can I examine the menu, please? (...)
Can I look in the kitchen?: Can I inspect the kitchens? (...)
Is there a house specialty?: Is there a house speciality? (...)
Is there a local specialty?: Is there a local speciality? (...)
I'm a vegetarian.: I murder poor, defenceless vegetables. (...)
I don't eat pork.: I don't eat pork. (...)
I don't eat beef.: I am not one of the legendary Beefeaters. (...)
I only eat kosher food.: I only eat kosher food. (...)
I can't eat ____ because _____.: I can't eat ____ because ____. Can your establishment accommodate this?
Can you make it "lite"/"light", please? (less oil/butter/lard): Can you use less "fat/oil/butter/lard", please? (...)
fixed-price meal: fixed-price meal (...)
a la carte: à la carte (...)
breakfast: breakfast (...)
lunch: lunch / luncheon (...)
tea (meal): tea (...)
supper: supper (...)
I want _____.: Do you have _____. (...)
I want a dish containing _____.: Do you have a dish containing _____. (...)
chicken: chicken (...)
beef: beef (...)
fish: fish (...)
ham: ham (...)
sausage: sausage (...)
cheese: cheese (...)
eggs: eggs (...)
salad: salad (...)
(fresh) vegetables: (fresh) vegetables (...)
(fresh) fruit: (fresh) fruit (...)
bread: bread (...)
toast: toast (...)
noodles: noodles (...)
rice: rice (...)
beans: beans (...)
May I have a glass of _____?: A glass of _____, Please? (...)
May I have a cup of _____?: A cup of _____, Please? (...)
May I have a bottle of _____?: A bottle of _____?, Please (...)
coffee: coffee (...)
tea (drink): tea (...)
juice: juice (...)
(bubbly) water: mineral water (...)
water: water (...)
beer: beer (...)
red/white wine: red/white [wine] (...)
May I have some _____?: May I have some _____? (...)
salt: salt (...)
black pepper: black pepper (...)
butter: butter (...)
Excuse me, waiter? (getting attention of server): Excuse me, waiter? (...) or the French Garçon! (Boy!)
I'm finished.: I have finished. (...)
It was delicious.: It was excellent. My compliments to the chef. (...)
Please clear the plates.: Please clear the plates. (...)
The check, please.: The bill, please. (...)
I wish to speak to the manager!: The manager/landlord, please? (...)

Bars (also applicable to Pubs/Inns and Taverns)

Do you serve alcohol?: Do you serve alcohol? (...)
Is there table service?: Is there table service? (...)
A beer/two beers, please.: A beer/two beers, please. (...)
A glass of red/white wine, please.: A glass of red/white wine, please. (...)
A pint, please.: A pint, please. (...)
A bottle, please.: A bottle, please. (...)
_____ (hard liquor) and _____ (mixer), please.: _____ and _____, please. (...)
whiskey: whiskey (...) (or depending on your tastes) 'single malt','scotch'
vodka: vodka (...)
rum: rum (...)
water: water (...)
club soda: soda [water] (...)
tonic water: tonic water (...)
orange juice: orange juice (...)
Coke (soda): Coke (...)
Do you have any bar snacks?: Do you serve bar snacks? (...)
One more, please.: One more, please. (...)
Another round, please.: Another round, please. (...)
When is closing time?: When do you close? (...) (NB. Strict Licensing is from the Late 1910s's to mid 1990's and pubs close at 11pm punctually.)
Cheers!: Cheers! (...)
I wish to speak to the manager/proprietor!: the Landlord, please?
Here's a tip (paying a gratuity): And one for yourself?

Shopping

Do you have this in my size?: Do you have this in my size? (...)
How much is this?: How much is this? (...)
That's too expensive.: Sorry, It's beyond my means (...)
Would you take _____?: Would you take _____? (...)
expensive: rather dear, I must say (...)
cheap: cheap (...)
I can't afford it.: I can't afford it. (...)
I don't want it.: I don't really fancy that. (...)
You're cheating me.: You're cheating me. (...)
I'm not interested.: Forget it!. (..)
OK, I'll take it.: OK, I'll take it. (...)
Can I have a bag?: Can I have a bag? (...) or Is it possible to get it wrapped?
Do you ship (overseas)?: Do you ship (overseas)? (...)
Which way is the drugstore?: Could you please direct me to the chemist's shoppe?

I need...: I need... (...)
...toothpaste.: ...toothpaste. (...)
...a toothbrush.: ...a toothbrush. (...)
...tampons.: ...a feminine item. (...)
...soap.: ...soap. (...)
...shampoo.: ...shampoo. (...) (Note: There are strict limits on sham poo in 21st century carry-on baggage. Bring the real poo instead.)
...pain reliever. (e.g., aspirin or ibuprofen): asprin/painkiller (...)
...acetaminophen.: ...paracetamol.
...cold medicine.: ...a remedy for colds. (...)
...stomach medicine.: ...stomach medicine. (...)
...a razor.: ...a safety razor. (...)
...an umbrella.: ...an umbrella. (...)
...sunblock lotion.: ...sun protection. (...)
...male contraceptive devices: something for the weekend (NB. You should be very sure of the man you are asking this of!)
...a postcard.: ...a postcard. (...)
...postage stamps.: ...postage stamps. (...)
...batteries.: ...batteries. (...)
...writing paper.: ...writing paper. (...)
...a pen.: ...a pen. (...)
...English-language books.: ...English-language books. (...)
...English-language magazines.: ..."popular" magazines/journals. (...)
...an English-language newspaper.: ...a Fleet Street broadsheet. (...)
...an English-American dictionary.: ...a translation dictionary. (...)
...My hovercraft is full of eels.: ...wha??

Driving

I want to rent an automobile.: I wish to hire a motor car/horseless carriage. (...)
Can you show me how it works?: I'm not familiar with this type of vehicle, can you advise on its correct operation?
Is this vehicle insured, taxed?: Does this vehicle have insurance/a tax disc?
Can I get insurance?: Can I get this insured? (...)
hood: bonnet
trunk: boot
car, automobile: motorcar
Interstate, freeway, turnpike: motorway
traffic circle: roundabout
stop (on a street sign): STOP! (...)
one way: one way (...)
keep right: No, you blimey fool! Keep left! Oh, and stay off the pavement or you will jolly well hit a pedestrian!
yield: GIVE WAY (...)
no parking: no parking (...)
speed limit: speed limit (...) but may be shown numerically.
gasoline station: Garage, petrol station, filling station, forecourt (...)
gas, gasoline: petrol (...)
diesel: diesel (...)

Authority

Why have I been stopped?: What seems to be the trouble officer (if you know the rank: Constable/Sergeant/Inspector )?
I haven't done anything wrong.: I'm sorry (officer/Constable/Sergeant/Inspector) but I think you'll find there's been a mistake. (...)
It was a misunderstanding.: There appears to have been a bit of a misunderstanding. (...)
I did not throw the governor's tea in the harbor.: Blimey, gov, you don't mean me, do ya?
Where are you taking me?: Where are you taking me? (...)
Am I under arrest?: Am I being arrested? (...)
I am an American/Australian/British/Canadian citizen.: I am an American/Australian/British/Canadian (citizen). I am a loyal subject of his/her majesty king xy / queen whatsherface (...)
I want to talk to the American/Australian/British/Canadian embassy/consulate.: I need to talk to the American consul/official for the Colonies/Foreign Office/Australian representative/Canadian representative. (Australia and Canada send High Commissioners, not ambassadors as, like the UK, they are Commonwealth realms.) (...)
I want to talk to a lawyer.: Allow me to speak with/I would like to speak with, my solicitor/legal advisor. (...) or I would like legal advice before I say anything. (In the UK, but not the colonies, barrister is a separate occupation from solicitor.)
Can I just pay a fine now?: Is there a fine/penalty to be paid? (...)( Note: Fines and penalties in the UK, for the most part were not paid on the spot like on the continent. Also a perceived bribe was a very serious matter indeed.)

Other language points to note

?

Words with different meanings

The British meaning is given..

ass: Donkey, mule, beast of burden, (Do not use this expression to describe an idiot.)
Fags: (English) cigarettes. "I will not buy this tobacconist, it is scratched."
Fanny: (English) front bottom, (American) back bottom (A "fanny pack" therefore translates into English as a "bum bag".); Be careful! - The English usage of this OTHER than as a proper name, is considered an obscene vulgarity.
[to] table (v.): Place up for consideration
nick: In verb usage similar to American, but also used as a slang term for police facility/prison.
pants: [male] undergarments.
rubber: has various meanings; if you walk out of the chemists with a rubber boot, you have erred and may need a rubber to erase your mistake
scrumpy: Extreme from of hard cider.
transfer (transport): connection