Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Your house

This year, consider taking a trip to your house! Bet you never thought about this destination for a vacation.

Understand

“

Our house, was our castle and our keep
Our house, in the middle of our...
Our house, that was where we used to sleep,
Our house, in the middle of our street.

”

—Madness

Having a vacation in a familiar environment is possibly the easiest thing in the world. Just stay at home and explore what you most probably haven't bothered to actually explore before.

Read

Voyage Around My Room (Xavier De Maistre, 1794).
At Home: A Short History of Private Life (Bill Bryson, 2010)
A Room of One's Own (Virginia Woolf, 1929)

Watch

Home Alone (1990)
Big Brother (Veronica, 1999) — Many countries have their own local version of this popular franchise
This Old House (1979)

Listen

Our House (Madness, 1983)
The Home Depot Jingle (2013)

Get in

Visa restrictions:

Entry requirements differ widely depending on who's visiting.

Your house is in a customs union with your three best mates' homes. A resident of one home is considered a citizen of all four homes, and free movement exists between the houses.
In-laws are subject to a single-entry visa issued strictly by invitation only. This entitles holders to stay in your house one day in every 90-day period. No tradesies. WARNING: some single-entry one-day-in-90 visas are interpreted by in-laws as permanent residency permits. You may be powerless to deport if your partner sides with them.
Racist uncles, mad aunties and the sister you fell out with when you were 16 may apply for a seasonal party visa that provides for unrestricted access into, within and around your house for any two-week period in November and December. Acceptable payments include bringing booze and offering to do the washing up.
The following citizens are proscribed from entry and may be ejected without warning: your boss, your ex, the man from across the street who's always peering at you through his curtain, the hot postal worker your partner fancies, the woman from number 34 who lets her yorkies poo in your rosebed, the boring bastard from neighbourhood watch that everyone in the street avoids, the kids who just kicked their ball under your car for the 746th time, anyone dressed in a suit, anyone wearing a rosette, anyone walking an animal that isn't a dog, anyone holding leaflets.
Certain governmental officials (and representatives) have powers of entry, you may risk a serious incident if they perceive a refusal. These rights of entry do not necessarily apply to those claiming to operate with spiritual (as opposed to legal or statutory) authority.
Anyone with a fluorescent jacket and clipboard is definitely trustworthy, and should always be let in no questions asked.

The front door

This is the most popular entry option for tourists, with convenient access outside. You probably already have a key, but if you don't, you may want to double check it's actually your house.

The back door

Similar, except it goes to your yard. Perhaps the best escape route for your secret lover, unless you have a secret underground passage.

The garage door

The most popular entry option among the locals.

The window

Best avoided except as a last resort. Neighbors or passers-by may call the police if they see you entering this way.

The chimney

Not usually open to visitors, but may allow traffic on December 24th.

That weird gap under American houses

According to all the YouTube horror videos, this is where the creepers hang out undetected for weeks until you come across them eating cheese in your kitchen at 2AM.

The secret underground passage

If you're a head of state, head of government, or even a very rich person who is just paranoid, your house might have a secret underground passage to allow you to escape from potential assassins, or to dangerously liaise with your forbidden lover. If you happen to be Vladimir Putin, there are even rumours of a secret deep-level Metro system called Metro-2 to serve this purpose for the Kremlin.

By train

Since the company bought the land, the railroad runs through the middle of the house.

By air

If you're the pastor of an American Evangelical megachurch, perhaps flying in on one of the Gulfstreams in your fleet would be your cup of tea. Make sure the runway in your backyard is properly maintained before trying this.

Other rich people can consider building a helipad on your rooftop and coming in by helicopter. If you are a sheikh and own a personal A380, you can travel to the airport by helicopter and transfer to your A380 for the longer flight.

Get around

On foot

Also known as "bus no. 11", for the vast majority of you, this will likely be the only feasible way of getting around.

On hands

Learn handwalking and see the destination from a new perspective.

By car

If you are greedy enough to be living on a large property, driving around the grounds can be a good way to get around. This can also be a great opportunity of show off that Rolls Royce or Ferrari to some lucky visitors.

If you live on a farm, consider pulling out that Jeep, Land Rover, RAM or Toyota Land Cruiser and doing some off-road driving.

But for the vewwy youngest weaders, the car section also applies in a normal house or apartment; they can go around in one of those toy cars you can sit on.

By pet

Most useful if you have a horse or donkey, but you could also tie some kind of wheeled chair to your always-eager-to-serve dog (or to about five or six particularly compliant cats) and get pulled around the property.

By servant

If you are very rich, or if you happen to be the Emperor of China (or both), you may be able to get servants to carry you around the property. In the former case, this is particularly useful for the youngest readers, though you're probably already used to the servants who birthed you carrying you everywhere. In the latter case, make sure all your male servants are eunuchs, or you might have some unwanted children in the harem.

By imagination

As long as you have a cardboard box and a marker, you can get around in a plane, a submarine, a motorcycle, or even a spaceship. Draw on the controls, cut holes so you can see, and be sure to make appropriate engine noises with your mouth. And if you don't have an imagination, just pretend like you do.

Through or over furniture

Indoor speleology is the art of caving, spelunking, or potholing through furniture, usually in the dark. If you have suitable flashlights and hardhats they can make it more realistic. Courses can be designed for adults, children and pets of various sizes/flexibility. It is advisable to warn neighbours with whom you share walls as the sound can otherwise trigger calls to the emergency services. One person's semi controlled descent of the stairs on a tea tray sounds much like another's falling down the stairs.

By bike

If you have an exercise bike, you can pedal as long as you're able to and still stay in your house.

By tank

If you're an American, your property is big enough, and you can afford one, try invoking your second amendment rights to purchase a tank. You may have to pay top dollar to engage a good lawyer to fight for your rights in Court, and it might be a long time before your case gets to the U.S. Supreme Court, but hey, what's life without another adventure?

See

You can see just about anyplace from your house with a computer and internet access. From your house, you can visit the Taj Mahal, Machu Picchu, the Dogon Cliffs, and Antarctica all in a matter of minutes. Want to see the artwork in the Louvre? Just look up any works that interest you. You can view them and learn way more about them online than you could ever learn at the museum itself. With a telescope you can even see places where people have never set foot, and never will, at least not anytime soon. Why do people even leave their homes at all?

If computers make your eyes hurt, astral projection is another way to see the world from home. Send your astral body out to explore this world or anywhere in the astral plane while your physical body remains safe at home (with your physical wallet).

Or, you can switch off your TV and internet, pull back the curtains, place your armchair in front of the window, and have a look at the people walking by, the birds and other wild animals foraging.

And if you get really bored, watch your lawn grow or search for dust in odd corners.

Do

Explore the attic, basement or garage; open boxes, see what's inside. Your pirate ancestor's hitherto legendary treasure chest? Some munition from the war? An ancient Indian burial ground? A tape of the lost episodes of Doctor Who? A lamp with a jerk genie inside? A portal to another dimension? No :-( Just those magazines you forgot to throw away.
Sing in the shower, or if you're Mediterranean and therefore unable to be quiet for longer than a couple of minutes, organise a singalong on all the neighbourhood balconies.
If you live in a mixed-gendered household, have a massive fight over the default position of the toilet seat.
Read a book, or write one.
Yell at the young punks on your lawn.
Come to terms with the fact you're older and less personable than you used to be.
Master the art of navel-gazing.
Play computer games. Or teach yourself coding and make one.
More specifically play the new Microsoft Flight Simulator to visit anywhere else on Earth
Watch your neighbours and take extensive notes on their movements.
Listen to all of your old vinyl records. Perhaps even rip them to your computer, then list them for sale on the interweb.
Paint the fence and watch it dry.
Dust off that old stamp/coin/postcard/whatever collection.
Watch movies, TV series, documentaries. Then get some video editing software and start turning these into YouTube Poops and upload them until your account gets three strikes. Then open another account and start over.
Look at old photographs and videos, perhaps from your former travels, that you otherwise never had time to watch.
Count all the coins in your coin jar. When done, if you got some sand in your yard, count the grains.
Play an instrument. Bonus points if it's something loud and obnoxious like drums or bagpipes or even a theremin. Be sure to play badly so everyone knows you're practicing and trying to get better.

Have a pillow fight.
Tie objects to the ceiling fan and see how fast it can spin before they fall off and break something.
Get a box of rubber bands and set up a range for target practice.
If all else fails, flatulence humor always works. If your diet includes things like canned beans, pea soup and a badly made version of the homebrewed alcohol referred to below, getting ~~farted~~ started shouldn't be a problem at all.
Start up your own micronation, like the Republic of Molossia or Talossa (meaning "in the house" in Finnish despite it being in Milwaukee!?) but perhaps in a different language. If you're a professional linguist, or if you can afford to hire one, try creating a new language (like Elvish in Lord of the Rings, or Valyrian in Game of Thrones) to be the official language of your micronation.
Keep staring at a clock with your eyes wide open, following the sloooowwww movement of the minute hand until you go completely nuts (if it doesn't seem to work, try the hour hand). Preferably the clock shouldn't have a second hand as will make it harder to concentrate.

Learn

Historians and sociologists will no doubt be thrilled to see what they can learn from the piles of paper. The type of document (unopened mail, bank and tax forms, forgotten homework assignments) and their locations (office desk, dining room table, the stairs, corners of rooms) reveal volumes about your life.

Learn some new cool skills, like juggling – preferably not with knives or chainsaws, though, because then you may have to be transported outside your house to places not covered in this guide! Or as many decimals of pi as you like. Or start studying a new language like Elvish.

Work

You can work from your home. But, especially if you stay isolated at home for months and months, remember that

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play mmakes Jack a dull boy
v All work and no PLay ma es Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Buy

Toilet paper. Lots and lots of toilet paper. Older people might prefer to use old tabloids, to make a comment on the decline of quality journalism in the current era, expired catalogues are another possibility. Cheapskates can wipe with pieces of old clothes. They can be washed and used again and again.

For a longer vacation, make sure you have salt, yeast, flour, cooking oil. With these ingredients you can fool your tummy for a while.

Can't think of what to buy? You can buy anything online and have it delivered right to your door.

Eat

Budget

Cook for yourself. Why not try to cook some new dishes that require time and effort to make?
Heat up leftovers.
Local food! Your house has a variety of local plants and animals, most of which are not poisonous and some of which are slow enough to catch.
Your house may have a nature preserve where the locals grow plants. In some climates, your house's nature preserve may host many edible and fruiting plants.

Mid-range

~~Go out.~~ You're not in your house if you leave.
Local food! Too slow to catch anything? Try investing in traps or ranged weaponry to outsmart those wily plants and animals.
Delivery service.

Splurge

Personal chef.

Drink

It's BYOB. There is water on tap, though. Fifty shades of tap water — add a slice of lemon, cucumber, orange etc. Now you can drink all the tea you ever wanted, but never did.

Alternatively, brew home-made alcohol, though be aware that this is illegal in some countries. In the simplest version just water, yeast and sugar is needed though many prefer to have some taste in it and use juices or even buy complete brewing kits.

Sleep

The bedroom has a bed—hopefully it's comfortable! Before sleeping in it, be sure to test its springiness by jumping on it. If you can't reach the ceiling, then either the bed isn't springy enough, the ceiling is too high, or you're too short.

If you're from Japan or Korea, perhaps sleeping on the floor is what you prefer. To make things more comfortable, get a traditional mattress known as a futon in Japanese or a yo in Korean. Japanese floors are traditionally made of a special straw-based material known as tatami. Korean floors are traditionally made of masonry, with an underfloor heating system known as ondol, which makes them particularly comfortable to sleep on in the cold winter months.

Backcountry

Camp. If you have garden or yard, then maybe you can pitch a tent. It may not be comfortable enough for a good overnight sleep, but can provide a welcome escape for an hour. (updated Mar 2020)

Stay safe

As a general rule of thumb, you can never have too much hand sanitiser. Fifty bottles? Pah, bloke down the road's got a garage full of 'em. Better buy some more, just to be sure. In case you're fresh out of hand sanitiser, the odd bottle of vodka comes in "handy", it might be cheaper as well.

To protect against invaders, you may want to gather some blankets or pillows and use them to construct a fort. Americans may want to consider invoking their second amendment rights and sleeping with a gun, but be careful not to shoot the wrong person, especially if they turn out not to be an intruder at all.

Homes can be dangerous places; many accidents can happen at home from stepping on toys laying around to getting hot water on your hands when cooking. So a first aid kit is good to have.

These are worrying times; you never know who's going to turn up on your doorstep. Luckily, you can now install a smart doorbell that sends a notification to your phone and to the servers of the company who made your doorbell every time someone walks up to the door. You can see real time video of the person's face, and keep a visual record of all the visitors your front step has received. For extra security, the doorbell manufacturer can access the video feed from your door at any time. This allows them to keep records of your movements so they can be alerted of any suspicious activity outside. If you're at home and decide to let the person in, you can do so with a simple tap on your phone - and if you're out, then doorbell surveillance control can decide on your behalf. Your home has never been in safer hands!

The doorbell plays elevator muzak while a voice says: "Hello luv! Please wait as the master of the house gets dressed". The message is random according to face recognition.

Nighttime dangers

“

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

”

—Traditional children's prayer

Check the closet, under the bed and behind the door for monsters every night before you go to bed. No matter how good your home security may be, monsters are notoriously good at sneaking under beds and into closets undetected. If you fail to do so and you turn off the lights, your chances of survival greatly diminish. Do not under any circumstances dangle your feet over the floor when sitting up in bed, as you will definitely be grabbed by the ankles and pulled down to the monster's lair; if you must get up in the night for the purposes of taking on or expelling fluids, best practice is to jump a safe distance from the bed and immediately run to the door without looking back. Remember: if you can't see it, it can't hurt you.

If your problems are more ghostly or demonic in nature, call a Catholic priest to schedule an exorcism. Suspension of disbelief may be required.

Respect

Be sure to treat the head of the household nicely, or you may be forced to sleep in the doghouse (see #Sleep). If something's gone badly wrong, and the head of the household is a dog, you might be sleeping in the bushes.

Connect

By Internet

Communicate with your neighbours by renaming your Wi-Fi. "Wikivoyage editor" is much more interesting than "House". "Who bought all the bog roll?" could trigger changes in your neighbours' Wi-Fi addresses. "Embassy of Narnia" helps add a little cachet to your area.

By phone

“

Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin' for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan

”

—"Weird Al" Yankovic

Calling is also an option. Including prank calling. If you're Beavis or Butt-Head, check up the number of Harry Sachs.

In person

Stand at an open window or in the yard and you can holler at passers-by like a fish wife.
Learn morse code and use a signal lamp for longer distances.
Flag semaphore has never been more exciting.

By living animals

Grab a pigeon off the sidewalk and train it for pigeon post. Warning: your pigeon will try to fly in and out of your house regardless of whether the window is open, so be sure to give him an adorable little crash helmet.

Go next

“

Homer (sat on his couch): Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. C'mon kids, let's go home!

Bart: We are home.

Homer: That was fast.

”

—The Simpsons

Your backyard
Your roof (be careful!)
Climb a nearby tree
Or visit your neighbors
Or if you're adventurous, dig a hole to China. Oh, you're in China already? Give yourself a pat on the back.
And finally, after many many years of living in the house, you may want to follow the advice of Rosemary Clooney and others who've sung This Ole House, and have it torn down as you ain't a gonna need it no more.

This article is grounded and so are you. Don't try to leave your house before the authorities allow you. In the meantime, please plunge forward and help the article grow!