Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park, also known as Isla Nublar, is an island 120 miles west off the coast of Costa Rica. The island/theme park is well known for housing and exhibiting real living, breathing dinosaurs, and the sight of these creatures once thought lost to time is truly one to behold.

Understand

History

The brainchild of InGen CEO John Hammond, Jurassic Park was the first and thus far only theme park to feature living dinosaurs. The process of creating a dinosaur involves locating fossilized ancient mosquitoes, recovering the dinosaur blood within the insect, and then filling in the gaps in the genetic code before breeding a dinosaur. For a more detailed look at the history of the park, see the film in the Visitor Center.

Contrary to popular rumors, there have been no incidents involving power outages which allowed the dinosaurs to escape and attack the humans on the island. The park has a 100% clean safety record and no visitors or park staff members have been injured by the island’s dinosaurs. As a special safety precaution, all dinosaurs are female and incapable of producing lysine, a key amino acid, so there is absolutely no risk of the dinosaurs being able to escape the island and reproduce. (Scurrilous rumors about dinosaurs foraging for plants with lysine or being capable of changing their own sex are best disregarded.)

Landscape

Strikingly similar to the landscape of Kauai, Isla Nublar is a tropical paradise of lush jungles, green plains, and spectacularly steep cliffs which jut thousands of feet into the air.

Flora and fauna

Obviously, the star attractions of the park are the fauna themselves: the many dinosaurs which inhabit the island. You’ll find them all; all the dinosaurs you read about as a kid: Brachiosaurus, Triceratops, Stegosaurus, Velociraptor, and of course, the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Climate

A climate much like what you would find on any tropical island typifies Isla Nublar. Abundant rainfall and mild temperatures keep the island from getting too warm any time of the year. Note that the occasional violent tropical storm or hurricane does hit Isla Nublar; park staff will notify you well in advance so that you can find shelter. Tours are subject to cancellation based on weather conditions.

Get in

Currently there are no independent transportation carriers to Jurassic Park; all trips to the island are handled by InGen.

There are two ways to get to the park: by helicopter or by boat. Coming by helicopter is the fastest way and provides a spectacular view of the island as you approach the heliport. InGen jeeps will transport you from the heliport to the park's Visitor Center. However, most visitors avoid the expense of a helicopter trip by taking the boat to the island. Cruises depart several times a day from Costa Rica. A shuttle service will take you from the dock to the Visitor Center.

Get around

Due to the sensitivity of the park’s specimens, as well as the dangers posed to trespassers, all transportation around the park is strictly monitored. Tour vehicles take you around the park on a special track, where you can view the park’s creatures from the safety of the tour vehicle.

See

All visitors start their tour at the Visitor Center, located at the center of the island. Here, you can view dinosaur skeletons and learn more about the dinosaurs on the island. In the auditorium, you can view a short program on the history of Jurassic Park. Mr. DNA will show you how Jurassic Park scientists brought dinosaurs back from extinction and you’ll even get to briefly glimpse the real miracle workers of Jurassic Park as they fertilize new dinosaurs.
If so inclined, you may view the Velociraptor Pen located behind the Visitor Center. There’s not very much to see except for the unfortunate cow that is lowered into the pen at mealtime, but you’ll be thankful for that as the feeding frenzy these dinosaurs put on may be more than your ears can bear to hear.
Tours depart continuously throughout the day from the Visitor Center. The computer-controlled tour vehicle will follow a route through the main gate and into the park, where you can view most of the island’s dinosaurs. Among the dinosaurs you’ll likely see are Brachiosaurus, Gallimimus, Stegosaurus, Dilophosaurus (you’ll want to make sure to roll up your windows as you pass these guys, as they spit a blinding venom), Triceratops, Parasaurolophus, and Tyrannosaurus Rex. Unfortunately many of the carnivorous dinosaurs, including the T. Rex, prefer to lurk away from the tour vehicles. In these cases, park staff will often provide live animals as food to attract the animals (vegetarians and others who do not want to witness the ensuing gore are advised to look away). Also the newest attraction, the Jurassic Park River Adventure allows guests to get up close and personal with some of the dinosaur species among which include Stegosaurus, Ultrasaurus and Psittacosaurus.

Work

Travellers looking to work on the island, can often find temporary employment in computer operations, which often experiences high staff turnover. Knowledge of the UNIX operating system, which runs the islands primary control systems, is essential to remedy any errors that may occur.

Buy

A gift shop in the Visitor Center offers plenty of dinosaur and Jurassic Park merchandise.

Eat

A restaurant at the Visitor Center offers fine dining. However, if you have a weak stomach you may want to make sure you eat before viewing some of the park’s more bloodthirsty dinosaurs.

Sleep

The Safari Lodge and the Iguanodon Inn, located near the Visitor Center, provide accommodations during your visit to the island. And you can look forward to the opening of the Pteratops Lodge, a high altitude hotel overlooking the park's scenic pterosaur enclosure.

Stay safe

As noted above, Jurassic Park has a perfect safety record and visitors have absolutely nothing to worry about from any of the park's specimens. Nevertheless, should anything happen, the park staff offers some advice regarding the nastier creatures in the park. If confronted by the T. Rex, remain motionless at all times, as the T. Rex can only see movement. If you are ever anywhere near a Dilophosaurus, shield your face as they can spit a blinding venom that will render you helpless if it comes in contact with your eyes. Much trickier to deal with are the Velociraptors, who have proved to be incredibly skilled and intelligent. In the event of a Velociraptor escape, find a secure hiding place with locked doors and no windows, and arm yourself if possible. However, the park staff assures you that all visitors are completely safe and the chances of any dinosaur escaping are virtually nil. No dinosaurs run faster than cheetahs, in any emergency, drive fast.

You are strongly advised to heed all warning signs, especially those regarding the electric fences which keep dinosaurs and visitors alike secure. Climbing the fence in the event of a power outage is extremely ill-advised.

Go next

Muertes Archipelago, known locally as Las Cinco Muertes (“The Five Deaths”), is an island chain located approximately two hundred miles west of Costa Rica, and eighty miles west of Isla Nublar. Visiting these islands are not allowed.

Isla Matanceros
Isla Muerta
Isla Pena
Isla Sorna
Isla Tacaño