Wikivoyage:Joke articles/Springfield (USA)

"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man" in Springfield, a mid-sized town in one of the United States of America. Blessed with a temperate-oceanic-arid-mountain climate and a coastal location in America's heartland, Springfield mixes small-town charm with a certain je ne sais quoi cruddiness. If the town's tourist traps leave something to be desired (the largest tire fire in the nation and an escalator to nowhere aren't much to write home about), then its landscape of gorges, deserts, forests and mountains are certainly worth the trip. Famous Springfieldianites include TV entertainer Krusty the Clown, millegenarian owner of the only trillion-dollar bill Charles Montgomery Burns, and of course the stars of America's favorite cartoon series - Itchy & Scratchy.

Understand

Springfield was founded in 1800 by a group led by Jebediah Springfield (a cover identity for notorious pirate Hans Sprungfeld) who, after misinterpreting a passage in the Bible, left Maryland trying to find "New Sodom". After he refused to found a town where men were free to marry their cousins, half of the group left. The dissenters founded the nearby town of Shelbyville, after fellow pioneer Shelbyville Manhattan, and the two cities remain rivals for centuries. Springfield reached its pinnacle in the mid-20th century, when it became the home of the world's first Aquacar factory; one half of the U.S. was said to wear Springfield galoshes and Springfield's streets were literally paved with gold. The town's prosperity faded; a Time cover story on Springfield was titled "America's Worst City", and Newsweek called the town "America's Crud Bucket".

El Barto

Springfield's geography is varied, including forests, meadows, mountain ranges, a desert, a gorge, a glacier, beaches, badlands, canyons, swamps, a harbor, waterholes, and waterways. Major named geographical features include Springfield Gorge, Springfield National Forest, the volcanic Mt. Springfield, the West Springfield Desert ("three times the size of Texas!"), the Springfield Badlands (also known as the Alkali Flats), the gigantic Murderhorn Mountain, Springfield Glacier, Mt. Useful National Park, Springfield Mesa, Springfield Monument Park, and Springfield National Park.

Springfield's environment is unusually polluted. Overflowing garbage forced the whole town – both population and structures — to move five miles (8 km) away from the massive dump that the old town of Springfield had become. Springfield is also home to the state's largest self-sustaining tire fire, which has been burning continuously for many decades. Lake Springfield's pollution almost led to the town's destruction by an Environmental Protection Agency bomb, and pollution from the nuclear power plant has mutated the fish in the river, with the nuclear power plant's mascot being Blinky, an orange-colored fish with three eyes. Its atmosphere is so polluted that it reduced a comet to a tiny rock the size of a chihuahua's head.

Neighborhoods

The town is divided into many neighborhoods, including Rats Nest, Bum Town, Chinatown, Crackton, East Springfield, Greek Town, Russian Town, Junkyville, Little Bangkok, Little Ethiopia, Little Italy, Little Newark, Little Stockholm, Little Seattle, Little Ukraine, Ethnictown, the Jewish Lower East Side, Kelly Terrace, Pressboard Estates, Recluse Ranch Estates, Skid Row, Springfield Harbor, Springfield Heights, Hyperion Drive, Springshire, Tibet Town, Waverly Hills, the borough of Sprooklyn, the Lincoln Park Village Housing Project, the Flammable District, a gay district and a fast-food district.

Climate

The town's climate is usually dry and sunny, with a bright blue sky. However, it has been subject to many natural disasters, including heat waves, blizzards, avalanches, earthquakes, acid rain, floods, hurricanes, lightning strikes, tornadoes, and volcanic eruptions. In Smarch (the thirteenth month of the year), the weather is often lousy.

Watch

Hollywood legend turned edutainment presenter Troy McClure was resident of Springfield for many years until his untimely death in 1998. You may remember him from such films, stage musicals, voiceovers and infomercials as:

Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass
Birds: Our Fine Feathered Colleagues
Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds
Dial "M" for Murderousness
Earwigs: Eww!
Firecrackers: The Silent Killer

Lead Paint: Delicious, but Deadly
Man vs Nature: The Road to Victory
Meat And You: Partners in Freedom
Mommy, What's Wrong With That Man's Face?
Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!
Two Minus Three Equals Negative FUN!

Get in

Springfield's location is almost impossible to determine, as the information available is contradictory and vague. Some sources say that it is in the state of North Takoma. "The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours."

Springfield has an international airport. The number of direct flights it receives from around the world is surprising for a small-town airport.

It is also served by a railroad, and a freeway from some other state.

Get around

Much like Hogwarts, the internal geography of Springfield is changeable; it's as if an occult hand moves things around for some inscrutable, unknowable purpose. One week the power plant can be right next door, leaking its green goop on your front lawn, while the next it's all the way across town, on a hilltop. This can make navigation... challenging to say the least.

Springfield features a large numbered grid plan, ranging from streets at least as low as 3rd Street and at least as high as 257th Street. Avoid driving up Main Street, which is horribly potholed with a deep gouge down the middle.

Springfield has a bus public transit system, an abandoned subway system, the twisted wreckage of monorail line, and an escalator to nowhere.

See

Springfield boasts an opera house, an outdoor amphitheater, an arboretum, and a vibrant jazz scene, and was once regarded as the entertainment capital of its state.

The Springfield City Hall: The workplace of Mayor Quimby and the City Government. It hosts town meetings regarding issues facing the city, where the citizens vote to approve proposals. Join in the fun of civic chaos at these meetings!
The Springfield Tire Fire is an iconic symbol of the town. It was established either in 1966 or in 1989.
Five Corners is the only geographic location in the US where five states meet. A boundary marker indicates the exact spot. You can "stand in five different states while holding hands". It is an ingenious place for a murder because of the lack of extraterritorial jurisdiction: you can stand in one state, fire a gun in a second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting your victim in the fourth, so they fall dead in the fifth. Just don't think about it too hard.
Krustylu Studios is the television studio in Springfield in which the Krusty the Clown Show is recorded. It is near the Channel 6 studio lot.

Springfield Mystery Spot ("Where logic takes a holiday and all laws of nature are meaningless"): Its most likely location is somewhere around the Alkali Flats. Past visitors there have claimed to see the face of God, to speak in colors, shed their corporeal bodies and become floating spirits, and take pictures that don't have that annoying red-eye effect. While scientists believe that it's a nexus between the space-time continuum of several dimensions intersecting in a horrible vortex of chaos, others say it's just the effects of the shack's wicked paint fumes.

Do

Barney's Bowl-A-Rama is the bowling alley. Come to cheer on local bowling teams, The Pin Pals (Homer, Moe, Apu, and Otto/Mr. Burns), to the Holy Rollers (the Flanders, and Reverend Lovejoy and his wife).
Noiseland Video Arcade, in downtown Springfield, is a popular place for the youth. Arcade games include Escape from Grandma's House (versions I-III), Kevin Costner's Water World, and Larry the Looter. There are also rumors of a mythical Polybius cabinet.
Praiseland - A wholesome amusement park for all of God's children. The statue of Maude Flanders near the park entrance is said to be able to perform miracles for those who pray in front of it. Some claim to have been shown visions of heaven itself.
Mount Splashmore - The tri-county area's funnest water recreation facility. "I want to go to Mount Splashmore, take-me-take-me-take-me NOWWW! Now! Now! Now! Now!" will be all you'll hear from your little angels, until you visit!
Krustyland is the "Krustiest Place on Earth". That's a good thing - El Barto
Kamp Krusty - Take a break from your Mount Splashmore-obsessed little monsters for the summer and release them into the tender loving care of KRUSTY THE CLOWN's bestest buddy in the universe, Mr. Black. Book early for gruel coupons.
Itchy & Scratchy Land, is a themed amusement park owned by "Itchy and Scratchy International", marketed as the "violentest place on earth". Includes sideshow memorializing Itchy and Scratchy's creator, Roger Meyers Sr, who loved almost all the peoples of the world. Its European counterpart "Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land" failed to attract the expected number of customers.
Duff Gardens - Meet the happy fish of the Beerquarium and give your neck the ultimate workout on the Whiplash Express. Save time for musical delight with a ride on The Little Land of Duff - just don't drink the water.

Industrial tourism

A number of local industries offer tours to curious visitors and members of the slack-jawed Springfield public alike.

Take a tour of the Duff Brewery, makers of Duff, Duff Dry, Duff Lite, Duff Dark, Raspberry Flavoured Duff, Tartar-Control Duff, and Lady Duff. See if you can tell the difference between all of its varieties! (There isn't any.) Copious free samples are offered during the tour, because you "can't get enough of that wonderful Duff!”
The Springfield Nuclear Power Plant is owned by Montgomery Burns. Opened in 1974, the plant is the key supplier of the city of Springfield's energy supply. At the core of the plant are two Fissionator 1952 Slow-Fission Reactors. Because of more than 342 safety violations, tours of the plant are not recommended, and it is probably best to stay several miles away from it at all times.
Li'l Lisa's Recycling Plant - A partnership between eight-year old local genius Lisa Simpson, and the town's beloved patriarch Mr. Burns. Powered by old newspapers and constructed entirely of reused cans and bottles, the plant's unique Burns Omni-Net sweeps the sea clean of unwanted fish and mammalian debris, converting it into slurry used for animal feed and insulation for low-income housing.
Springfield Box Factory (On a road shared by Toy Town, the Slide Factory, the Firework Testing Range and other non-box-related attractions) - The fascinating story of how boxes destined to hold nails are manufactured. Your ticket also gives you entry (when redeemed within 12 months) to the sister factory in Flint, Michigan, where the Springfield boxes are assembled.

Sports

The Springfield Isotopes ("the Topes") are an AA minor league baseball team who play their home games at Duff Stadium.
The Springfield Atoms football team play at Springfield Stadium.
The NBA's Springfield Excitement (formerly the Austin Celtics).
The Springfield Ice-O-Topes hockey team play at the Springfield Arena.

Festivals and events

Scotchtoberfest - Pull up your kilt and head doontoon, and try not to earn three months' detention in the process.
Springfield Chili Cook-Off - Enter your hottest chili or just gorge till you puke in true Springfield style. Warning: Chili may cause hallucinations and/or spiritual epiphanies.
Springfield Film Festival - Sponsored by Chalmskin Productions, has premiered such arthouse classics as Pukahontas and Man Getting Hit by Football
Whacking Day - Annual festivity in which citizens of Springfield drive wild snakes into the town square, then fatally club them to death.

Buy

Kwik-E-Mart is a convenience store on Highland run by Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. It sells food, alcoholic beverages, cigarettes, and other items offered at a typical convenience store, and sometimes it has gasoline pumps have been shown in front. Its specialties include "Buzz Cola", "Krusty-O's", "Squishees", and pink-frosted "Sprinklicious doughnuts".
The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop is a comic book store owned by Jeff Albertson a.k.a. Comic Book Guy a.k.a. the rudest man in Springfield. It sells many lines of comic books you may not find elsewhere: Radioactive Man, Manboy, Radiation Dude, Batboy, Mr. Hop, Batchick, Mr. Smarty Pants, Birdguy, Nick, Cat Girl, Power Person, Dog Kid, Iguana Girl, Snake Kid, Lava Lady, Star Dog, The Human Bee, Mister Amazing and Tree Man, as well as more mainstream comics such as The Amazing Spider-Man and Fantastic Four.
Costington's is a high-end department store in downtown Springfield. Costington's sponsors the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade and holds a "Love Day" celebration. And yeeeeeesssssss, its slogan really is "Over A Century Without A Slogan".
King Toot's is a music store next door to Moe's Tavern. The store sells musical instruments
The Leftorium is a store in the Springfield Mall that specializes in products for left-handed people. Unusually, 1 in 3 Springfieldians are left-handed. The judgmental conservative Christian owner is lame-diddly-ame, so you should probably take your custom to "Leftopolis", next door in the mall, or to the megastore "Left-Mart".
Sprawl-Mart is a big department store in Springfield. Before shopping there, give some thought to its employees, who face low pay, 24 hours a day shifts, and no bathroom breaks. They also implant microchips in the workers during the company physicals that give them electroshocks if they try to leave.
The Springfield Mall is a shopping mall in Springfield. It features stores such as Happy Market, Cost-Mo, and smaller stores such as Girdles N' Such, Eye Caramba, The Ear Piercery, Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor, Love Your Computer, Gum4Less, Popular Books, the Leftorium, Nick's Bowling Shop, Stoner's Pot Palace, Bookacchino's, Moe's Express (a mini version of Moe's Tavern), a Mapple Store, numerous Starbucks coffee shops, and several Krusty Burgers.
Herman's Military Antiques, formerly Pet Shop, Herman's sells all sorts of war memorabilia, from muskets to a Confederate flag.
House of Evil, your "one stop evil shop", sells cursed artefacts from places men fear to tread and, as a side-hustle, frozen yogurts. Those with food sensitivities or allergies are cautioned that the frozen yogurt toppings contain potassium benzoate.

Eat

Phineas Q. Butterfat's 5600 Flavors Ice Cream Parlor has several locations, but most of them are in the Springfield Mall. They serve, indeed, 5600 flavors, with their premier item being "The Ark", a gigantic sundae featuring all the store's flavors, 26 sauces, toppings and nuts.
The Gilded Truffle is an elegant, upscale restaurant in Springfield. The restaurant serves French cuisine.
Krusty Burger is a nationwide fast food restaurant chain owned by Krusty the Clown as one of his many branded products and services. Enjoy its signature "Krusty Burger meat-flavored sandwiches" (not to be confused with Steamed Hams, an old Skinner family recipe from Albany, NY). Try the Ribwich sandwich if it's available. (But it's never available because it's made of an unspecified animal that was driven into extinction by its production.)

Lard Lad Donuts is a donut store in Springfield. Its 8-metre (26 ft) tall statue of a rather chubby boy proudly holding a donut over his head is an iconic symbol of the town.
Luigi's is an Italian restaurant owned by Luigi Risotto. Local mobster Fat Tony and his mob frequently use the restaurant for their meetings.
The Frying Dutchman is a maritime-themed restaurant operated by Sea Captain Horatio MacAllister. It specializes in seafood, and even the bread has fish in it. The "All You Can Eat" menu is not to be taken literally.
The Singing Sirloin is a restaurant where all the waiters sing everything they say.
The Happy Sumo is a Japanese restaurant. Among the restaurant's menu offerings are all kinds of sushi, including fugu, which can be fatally poisonous if not properly prepared. Luckily, there's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu. The restaurant also offers karaoke.
Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag - A local family restaurant where conscientious parents can feel at ease that the staff aren't going to curse in front of your children (unlike Denny's). The owner Moe promises that if he doesn't smile when he brings you the bill, the meal is free! It's also known for its memorable jingle, "Come to Uncle Moe's for family fun, it's good good good good, good good good!"
Wall E. Weasel's is a family entertainment restaurant conveniently located downtown, with an assortment of wholesome arcade games such as "Touch of Death" and "Larry the Looter", as well as a fun-for-the-whole family all-animal animatronic band! Reports of the animatronics bursting into flame during performances are exaggerated.

Drink

The community lemon tree has been providing fruit for legendary homemade lemonade since the days of Jebediah Springfield. Sold on every street corner in summer, and not to be confused with Shelbyville-style homemade turnip juice.

Moe's Tavern (formerly Meaux's Tavern, Moe's Cavern, Uncle Moe's Family Feed Bag, "m", Moe's Brewing Co. and Flaming Moe's), Walnut Street. Local dive bar named after and run by Moe Szyslak. The bar sells mostly Duff Beer although other beverages are served, including the Flaming Moe. Be aware of its many health code violations such as the corkscrew having a severed human ear on it, and a toilet on the roof. Despite undergoing several makeovers through the years, its atmosphere remains authentically dark and squalid, and Moe himself is quick to draw his shotgun when customers get too rowdy.
The Little Black Box (near the airport) - Where commercial pilots come to enjoy a last pint before take-off. Exclusively for licensed pilots and actors who have played pilots on television.
Bart's beerstall - Where kids with fake-ids can partake in this adult endeavor. A favorite during spring break.

LGBT

She-She Lounge (Lower East Side) - Friendly and laid-back lesbian bar with great margaritas. In the event of an emergency, you will likely perish, as there's no fire exit.

Learn

Springfield University is a large college that has programs in nuclear physics, arts management, and the meaning of cartoons, and has a fierce rivalry with Springfield A&M University.
Springfield Agricultural and Mechanical (A&M) University is a rival institution of Springfield University. Springfield A&M's mascot is a pig named Sir Oinks-A-Lot.
Springfield Heights Institute of Technology (S.H.I.T.) focuses on the engineering sciences. Jonathan Frink is a college professor at the university.

Sleep

Sleep Eazy Motel: A run-down motel where everything is coin-operated, including the Bible. The building itself is deteriorating and prostitutes hang outside the lobby. A body was once seen floating in the pool.
Springfield Retirement Castle: Springfield's retirement home for the elderly. Please respect the sign reading 'Thank you for not discussing the outside world'. Be sure to "stake yourself out a good spot at the staring window", which overlooks a barren tree. Bingo is popular here: you can win a banana.

Homestays

Homestay with the Flanders Clan, 744 Evergreen Terrace, Pressboard Estates, Springfield, USA, the Lord's great green Earth, ☏ +1 939 463-5683, neddy@leftorium.com. Check-in: By 9PM, check-out: 11AM, or whendiddlyever you feel like it. Hey-diddly-ho, travelerinis! Ned's my name, and I and my two devil-haired boys would love to host to your fabdabaroony stay in our town of Springfield! Private en-suite accommodation, full board. Use of Neddy's rumpus room with fully-stocked liquor bar and pool table. Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are church days, 8AM sharp!. Pay whatever you can afford; suggested donation $5 / night. Includes free baptism for heathens, pagans and satanists, because God loves you. (updated Mar 2021)

Home stay in a house way better than stupid Flanders - 742 Evergrean Terris. Come stay with Homer and Marge Simpsons, our 2 beatifull talented daughters Lisa n Maggie, and absolootly no other children to worrie about. The flandereses are layme, especiaslly Stupid Flanders. $1000 bucks a night, bring beer and donut's. Call today on... ((annoyed grunt)) I forgot the number.

Connect

KBBL Broadcasting Inc. is the major media outlet, owning at least three radio stations and one television station. Channel 6 of KBBL, the most watched channel by far, airs The Krusty the Clown Show (perhaps the only thing in Springfield that won't make you laugh) and Kent Brockman's nightly news broadcast (ill-informed, alarmist and opinionated; journalism at its best!).

The Springfield Shopper is the local tabloid newspaper.

Cope

Religious houses of worship include Congregation Beth Springfield, the First Church of Springfield (Presbylutheran), First AME Church, the Cathedral of the Downtown, and a Buddhist vihara.

~~Be very wary of~~ Surrender your will to the Leader and join the 'Movementarians', an organization that has been documented as ~~exceptionally cult-like in its tactics and practices~~ the only proven way to reach Blisstonia (well known for its high levels of Bliss).

I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm!, also known as "Lionel Hutz also Expert Shoe Repair" or "The Law Offices of Lionel Hutz", is near the Springfield mall. You may need their services if you have a run-in with the notoriously incompetent and corrupt Springfield Police.

Stay safe

Radiation sickness

Half a century of living in the shadow of a ~~nuclear~~ nucular power plant has left many Springfield folk with a distinctly jaundiced appearance and bulging compound eyes. Blue hair, while not as common as it was in the early '90s, is also a recurring side-effect. Any extended time you spend in town may result in similar afflictions to your body.

Law and order

The dangerously incompetent Springfield Police Department has a "shoot first, ask questions later" style of policing. The force has an extremely strange hierarchy whereby the chief of police micromanages the same two grunt officers to the point of stalking their every move, while the rest of the force gets away with slacking off all day eating donuts. Mmm, donuts...

Do not even think of reporting a crime if you didn't donate to the SPD Christmas ball. At best, your report it will go straight in the circular file, which they hardly ever look at; at worst you'll find yourself arrested for the crime you're a victim of.

Unsurprisingly, crime is rampant in Springfield. A dangerous mafia organization run by cod Italians has significant operations throughout the town. Armed robberies, particularly of local convenience stores, are also near-daily occurrences, with upwards of 98% of such crimes committed by the same individual, Snake Jailbird.

The infamous master criminal Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, long-term inmate of Springfield Penitentiary, is often spotted around town due to his frequent escapes and erroneous releases. Despite his high intelligence, devious cunning and psychotically violent mood swings, Terwilliger's criminal activities are almost exclusively focused on plotting and attempting to murder a local elementary school student. He is therefore unlikely to pose a threat to travelers, unless you impede his plans or insult the memory of Gilbert and Sullivan. Tactical deployment of rakes is known to be effective in bringing Terwilliger down.

Stay healthy

Springfield Hospital is one of the best in the country, having cured hundreds of horrific injuries that would have been fatal in any other town. On one memorable occasion, an unnamed local buffoon plunged hundreds of feet down Springfield Gorge twice in a row, but after undergoing emergency surgery was seen alive, well and unscathed just seven days later. Ask for Dr Julius Hibbert, family physician and surgeon extraordinaire.

DR NICK RIVIERA, 123, Back Alley, Flammable District, ☏ 1-600-DOCTORB, hi@drnick.com. Hi everybody! Are you looking for a way to slash the cost of your medical expenses? CALL DR NICK TODAY! All of your medical and unethical cosmetic surgery needs!!! Come in for brain surgery and receive a free Chinese finger trap! Legal disclaimer required by the state: Dr Nick is not, and has never claimed to be, a real doctor. DOCTOR NICK, THE BEST DOCTOR IN TOWN. Any operation $129.95. (updated Mar 2021)

Go next

If you've been to Springfield, Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Brockway, Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown, Spring City, Capfield, West Springfield, Paris, Rome, Shelbyville Adjacent, and North Haverbrook, man, you've been everywhere!

D'oh! This travel guide to Springfield is unusable because it refers to a location that's impossible to reach intentionally. Please don't sue us, Matt.