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Joke articles/TravelRant

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Travel Hell is a very special destination populated entirely with what you, the seasoned (one may say selfish) traveller, find annoying.


Caution Note: This article is not politically correct and is not intended as part of the main, serious travel guide. As a place for frustrated voyagers to blow off steam, it is intended as a general rant for contributors and hopefully some light relief for readers.

Travel Hell is not a real destination, merely a list of all the little things which make your trip a memorable one:

Get in[edit]

Trans World Airlines menu 02 list.jpg

By plane[edit]

  • Paying for a business class seat and still having an annoying noisy kid or baby next to me!
  • Stopping my 1 kg over limit hand luggage when the person next to me weights twice as much as me, never mind the kids who are paying full fare.
  • Drop the flowery descriptions in the menus, its chicken or pasta.
  • "What do you mean by the flight was cancelled due to severe weather? If I could drive to the airport in this weather, then the plane must be able to takeoff."
  • Laughing at the self-entitled schmucks who barge through the crowds in the departures lounge ("Out of the way, I'm speedy boarding!"), which just means they spend longer queuing up on the chilly gangway, rather than sitting in the relative comfort of the warm lounge.

By bus[edit]

  • Eight different bus companies and fourteen different buses, many of which run infrequently and few of which connect easily, just to travel the Trans-Canada Highway end-to-end. Isn't it easier just to drive the 8,050 km (5,000 mi) at some point?

Get around[edit]

By car[edit]

  • Hire car in winter without an ice scraper and snow brush.
  • You sure the dent in the bumper won't affect the excess?

By train[edit]

  • The one lone tourist that doesn't understand how old the local transit (subway) system is, and has choice language when delayed by it.
  • Yes, we have "vidiots" in our country as well.
  • Tourist: "The train service is impeccable in Switzerland", local: "Why didn't you go there?".
  • Yes... it's a bus on rails, the ride quality is much the same.

By taxi[edit]

  • Driver, during a 2 km ride within a city: "Could you show me on a map/navigator screen where the place is?" (additional fun if this happens somewhere you can't read the local script)
  • "Did you see the match last night?"
  • Sure, take me for a ride, it's not like the hotel is close by...


Stupid comments: should you laugh or cry?

Comments by guides[edit]

  • "Feel free to take photos anywhere in the museum!" followed almost immediately by "I should indicate that doesn't include the loos!"

Comments by tourists[edit]

  • "Is that an iceberg?!" Comment from channel ferry passenger as the white cliffs of Dover come into sight.
  • "Why did they build it so close to the road?". Comment at Stonehenge.
  • In a similar vein: "Why did the Queen put her castle so close to the airport?" At Windsor.
  • "I said... DO - YOU - SPEAK - ENG - LISH?"
  • Seen in a review at booking.com: "We had to drive more than 500 km to get there"
  • "Woah, dude! The Brits speak English too!"


Pyramid of the Sun, Teotihuacan
  • People taking selfies, blocking my view of a place. Particularly if they then spend almost no time looking at the view themselves.
  • If I'd wanted the 'tourist' legends, I'd have paid for a "tourist" guide!
  • I'm well aware of what a "church" is used for, now if you could identify the Norman vs Early English arches...


This breakfast bar, with a wide variety of domestic and imported beer, has created a cosy corner for your kids to play, while you repair the hangover of yesterday.

Bus tours where the guide treats everyone like a 5 year old with learning difficulties, but then you see the behaviour of some of your fellow passengers and realise why.


  • Stores full of the same brands as at home (clothing shops in airports, anyone?).
  • "Made in China" souvenirs even in places like Argentina — where you're as far from China as possible without stepping on a spaceship.
  • Touts. No further explanation needed.
  • When you've bought some souvenirs from some salesperson (maybe the recently mentioned tout, because you imagine that'll make them leave you alone), and they want to thank you by giving you a trinket to hang around your neck. "But hey, my friend, you need a chain for it too. Which one of these do you like, I have a special price only for you..." and there we go again.
  • Tax free - yeah, right!


Food Chuletas.JPG
  • Pulled pork (and other trending foods). Do not get me wrong, when I discovered this at a North American sport stadium I thought it was great and still buy it at such events. But when I go to a British pub I want a steak and kidney pie or a ploughman's, at a German restaurant schnitzel, not a pulled pork burger with halloumi and kale.
  • When my dog is not allowed in, even when cleaner than the restaurant and has better health care than the staff.
  • Local dishes "adapted to the taste of the traveler".
  • Champagne included in the breakfast buffet? I guess this is not where the local AA meeting takes place.
  • In response the question "How was lunch?": "It was nothing special. Just a margarita pizza." Because why order something you might enjoy?


  • At the other side of the world you find mostly the same beverage brands in the bar as at home.
  • Minibars in hotel rooms, more specifically the prices.
  • So the water is safe to drink here, but you still suggested the bottled stuff?


Candlelight at By The Sea Recovery sober living 03.jpg
  • Every evening I take the useless cushions and foot cover off the bed, every day I come back to my room and there they are again!
    • and what is with this turning the duvet 90 degrees to what it needs to be?
  • I do not need a fresh bar of soap every day. If this is an issue give us a liquid dispenser.
  • It took me a long time and some discomfort to get the shower settings right. Don't move them and surprise me the next time I switch it on.
  • Key card controls the room lights, which go totally dark the second you remove the card from the holder. Never heard of a time delay? Electricians on vacation may instinctively start searching their pockets and the floor for tools when this happens.
  • Towels on the beds, but none in the bathroom. Just... why?
  • Music, loud laughter and shouting from several venues in the street, noise from an industrial kitchen ventilation shaft in the back alley, earplugs on the pillows for our comfort. Yeah, we should not be disturbed by the fire alarm suddenly sounding in our sleep. Here's an idea, install air conditioning, so we don't have to open the windows in the first place.


  • Free Wi-Fi, "you only need to register (go through a long registration procedure) and will receive informative e-mails in the future from us and our partners".
  • So why do I need a mortgage to call London from the lobby phone?


  • Bunch of tourists doing some kind of (drunk?) idiotic actions abroad, and you notice they're from your country.
  • Inadvertently calling it raki, rakia, or arak, instead of rakı and instantly seeing the faces around you turn hostile.

Stay safe[edit]

  • Don't do nude selfies on a sacred mountain. If you have to, only do that in public where both nudity and taking photos is OK.
  • If you stand on that beach in Sint Maarten clinging to a flimsy chain-link fence in the wake of jets taking off, and get blown off your feet into the Caribbean to be gobbled up by the Kraken, you probably deserve it.
  • Sure, you can photograph the fighter jets, just don't be surprised if you are photographed repeatedly whilst you do so for future reference.

Go next[edit]

  • Hell (Hades) is more of the same, but without the hotel showers dispensing ice water all morning.
  • There are plenty of other destinations where you can fall victim to overcharging, common scams and outright theft.